A Little Link
by Midna Hytwilian
Summary: Serenity and Hytwilian decide a way to get their vacation buisness some popularity, by feeding off Zelda characters to fans everywhere. Parody of the song "A Little Priest" from Sweeney Todd and the scene.
1. No Place Like Hyrule

Disclaimer: I own almost nothing.

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It was that time of the year for Serenity and Hytwilian to sail to Hyrule and to say Serenity was depressed was a bit more than an understatement. She had wanted to move the buisness to Destiny Islands and search for Roxas, but, the older girl refused to do so.

"I have sailed the world and beheld its wonders from the Great Bay, to the mountains of Mulan! But there's no place like Hyrule!" An eager boy by the name of Zel sang.

"No there's no place like Hyrule..." Serenity sighed.

"Miss Sere, ma'am?"

"You are young and Hytwilian has been kind to you...you will learn."

The younger girl paced about the ship as Hytwilian danced around the sailors and tried to spot Hyrule first.

"There's a hole in her heart like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it. And her morals aren't worth what a pig could spit. And she forced me to go to the place by the name of Hyrule! At the top of the hole sit the privileged few making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo, turning beauty to filth and greed...I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders! For the cruelty of Hylian is as wondrous as Peru but there's no place like Hyrule!"

"Is everything alright, my pimp?" Hytwilian walked over, giving her a curious look. It was that time of the month for Serenity.

"I beg your indulgence, Mids. My mind is far from easy. In these annoying streets I feel shadows, everywhere."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Well, duh, there's Shadow Link and Dark Link right now. Yo!"

The two walked past her.

"There was a bitch and her pimp and he was beautiful. An angry bitch and her pimp. He was her reason and her life...and he was beautiful, and he was virtuous, and he was naive. There was another woman who saw Hyrule! A control bitch of the law who, with a gesture of her claw removed the bitch from her place! Then there was nothing but to wait! And he would fall! So soft! So young! So lost and oh so beautiful!"

"Dear goddesses, Sere, we'll go get Roxas next week!"

Zel had tears poking out of his eyes. He sniffled. "And the man, ma'am. Did he surcumb?"

"Ah, that was many hours ago, I doubt if anyone would know."

Hytwilian rolled her eyes and began walking ahead of her friend.

"I'd like to thank you, Zel. If you hadn't spotted me, I'd be lost on the ocean, still." Serenity stated sarcasticly. If it hadn't of been for the little punk, her sucide would have went smoothly!

"Will I see you again?"

"You might find me if you like, around Lost Woods, I wouldn't wander." The girl grinned mischeviously. The two would be in Castle Town.

"Until then, my friend?" He stuck his hand out with a card that held his number. She ignored it and followed after Hytwilian.

"There's a hole in her heart like a great black pit. And it's filled with characters who are filled with shit. And the vermin of the world inhabit it."

"STOP TALKING BADLY ABOUT ME!"

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A/N: I had to go back and do this.


	2. The Worst Fanpics in Hyrule

Disclaimer: I own almost nothing.

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The two girls walked into the cottage that they used to stay at on vacations, sad to find out it was owned.

Serenity glanced up at the sign on the cottage. "Miss MovieFantatic's Fanart Emporium."

Hytwilian shrugged and opened the door, only to find a girl around their age pounding the dough on the counter. She glanced up with wide eyes.

"A customer!" She gasped.

They turned to leave. "Wait! What's your rush? What's your hurry? You gave me such a-" POUND "fright, I thought you was a ghost! Half a minute, can'tcher sit!"

Miss MovieFanatic pushed them down into chairs. "Sit you down, sit! All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks! Did you come here for a fanpic, misses? Do forgive me if me head's a little vague, ugh! What is that?" She swatted at two huge Keese that appeared out of nowhere.

By now, the two customers were laughing.

"But you think we had the plague from the way that characters keep avoiding-" She swatted at another Keese that was trying to take one of her pictures away. "No you don't! Nayru knows I try, misses! Ick!" Another Keese. "But there's no one comes in even to take a look! Right you are, misses, would you like a drop of Curo Soup?" She placed down a two bowls of Pumpkin Soup. "Mind you, I can't hardly blame them! These are probably the worst fanpics in Hyrule! I know why nobody cares to take them, I should know, I make them! But good? No!

The girl sighed. "The worst pies in fanpics, even that's polite! The worst soup in Hyrule," she pointed to the soup she had just handed them. "If you doubt it, take a sip!"

They looked over at each other, carefully, and did as they were told. Immediatly, they spit the soup onto the floor and coughed.

"Is that just disgusting? You have to concede it! It's nothing but Keese droppings! Here, drink this, you'll need it!" She handed them a Red Potion. Miss MovieFanatic got back to the topic at hand. "The worst fanpics in Hyrule...and no wonder with the price of colored pencils! What it is, when you get it! Never thought I'd live to see the day. Men'd think it was a treat findin' poor colors off wot are rottin' in the street!"

The two girls glanced at each other, wondering how that was physically possible.

"Miss Kaylee has a pie shop! Does a business but I notice something weird." She changed the subject again. Lately all her Sweetie pups have disappeared! Have to hand it to her! Wot I calls enterprise, poppin' puppies into pies! Wouldn't do in my shop! Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick! And I'm tellin' you, them puppies is quick!"

The girls glanced down at the soup and back up at the girl. Just what the hell _had _she tried to get characters to pose in her shop?

"No denying times is hard, misses! Even harder than the worst fanpics in Hyrule! Only sketches and nothing more. Is that just revolting, all greasy and gritty?" She pointed to a horrid job at the Princess of Hyrule. "She looks like she's molting, and the soup tastes like...well, pity. A teenage girl alone, with limited wind. And the worst fanpics in Hyrule! Ah, misses, times is hard, times is hard!" She shouted, swatting one more time at a Keese.

Serenity and Hytwilian shook their heads.


	3. Poor Thing

Disclaimer: I own almost nothing.

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The girls followed Miss MovieFanatic into her drawing room.

Hytwilian shrugged. "You got room over the shop, don't you? If times are so hard, why don't you rent it out?"

Miss MovieFanatic leaned in. "People think its haunted."

Serenity scoffed. "Haunted?"

"Yeah. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago, something happened up there. Something not very nice..."

She began to sing. "There was a prince and his bride! And he was beautiful. A proper artist with a pencil, but they transported him for life. And he was beautiful..."

The girls stared at her, beckoning her to continue.

"Ralph, his name was. Ralph of Labrynnu."

The two girls leaned in, now. "What was his crime?"

"Foolishness." She scoffed. "He had this wife, you see. Pretty little thing, silly little nit. Had her chance for the moon on a string. Poor thing! Poor thing. There this girl, you see. Wanted him like mad. Everyday she'd send him a flower! But did he come down from his tower? Sat up there and planned by the hour! Poor fool. Ah but there was worse yet to come, poor thing. The girl's friend calls on him, all polite. Poor thing, poor thing. 'The fangirl," she tells him, 'is all contrite, she blames herself for your dreadful wife!' 'You MUST come straight to her house tonight!' Poor thing, poor thing!"

Hytwilian whispered to Serenity. "So the fangirl did this?"

"Of course when he goes there, poor thing, poor thing! They're having this ball all in masks. There's a buncha fangirls he knows there, poor dear, poor thing! He wanders tormented and DRINKS, poor thing! 'The girl has repented,' he thinks, poor thing. 'Oh where is Fangirl?' he asks! She was there alright! Only NOT so contrite! He wasn't no match for such craft, you see and everyone thought it so droll! They figured they'd rape him next, you see, so all of them stood there and LAUGHED, you see! Poor soul! Poor thing!"

"NOOO!! Would NO ONE have mercy on him?!" Hytwilian cried out. "How could Hyrule allow such a cruel act?!"

Miss MovieFanatic shrugged. "Meh, they didn't care. It was his fault for being such a moron. He shoudln't have trusted fangirls. The fangirls banished him to the Sacred Realm afterwards because they got their fill."

Serenity nodded. "Meh, that's what a lot of fangirls do."


	4. My Friends

Disclaimer: I own almost nothing.

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Miss MovieFanatics stood up. "Anywho! You two said you used to visit here on the weekends?"

The two girls nodded.

"Aha, so that's your stuff. Well, I'll show it ta ya if ya'll pay me a few rupees."

Serenity glanced at Hytwilian. "I only got a purple one."

"I got an orange."

"How much is that?"

"One hundred fifty."

"How is one hundred fifty for us working here and living?"

"Sounds good." She grabbed the rupees. "Follaw me."

They walked upstairs to find their old room, dusty and cold. "OH, I KNEW I LEFT MY TEDDY BEAR HERE!" Hytwilian squeezed a dusty Teddy Bear.

Serenity glanced at the bed and sat down as Miss MovieFanatics got on the floor, knocked on the wood, and pulled a board out.

"HEY! You better fix that!" The youngest girl shouted.

MovieFanatics ignored her and pulled out a small box.

Serenity's eyes widened.

"When they came for Ralph, I hid 'em. I coulda sold 'em but then what'd that be? Two rupees."

Hytwilian looked at the small matchbox. "Oh shit."

"These are my friends, see how they sparkle." Serenity reached for the box and pulled out a match. "See this one shine," she lit it, "how he smiles in the light! My friends, my faithful friends..."

She pulled out another match. "Speak to me, friend. Whisper, I'll listen. I know, I know you've been locked out of sight all these years! Like Hytwilian's bear, my friends! Well, I've come home to find you waiting! Home, and we're together...And we'll do wonders...won't we...?" She whispered as she set another on fire.

"You there, my friend!"

"I'm your friend too, Serenity." Hytwilian stood up, trying to break her friend out of her trance.

"Come, let me burn you."

"If you'd only stop, Serenity!"

"Now, with a sigh..."

"Ooh, Serenity!

"You grow warm in my hand-"

"My friend-"

"You're neck's warm in my hand!" The girl tried to strangle her. "You're back-"

"My friend-

"And I've always wanted to kill you-"

"My evil friend!"

"I did!"

"Rest now, my friends." She carefully placed them on her bed.

"Never you fear, Serenity."

"Soon I'll light you."

"You can go to an asylum, Serenity."

"Soon you'll know splendors you never have dreamed!" The two spoke in unison.

"All your days..."

"Will be insane!" Hytwilian continued.

Serenity shouted. "My lucky friends!"

"Till now your shine-"

"Don't they shine beautifully?"

"Was merely orange."

"Orange is good enough for me."

"Friends, you shall drip embers. You'll soon drip precious...embers."

"Serenity...?"

Serenity glanced at her friend and Miss MovieFanatic. "Leave me."

The two shook their heads and left the room to discuss the situation of the buisness downstairs.

The girl stood up and outstretched her arm, which held a small match. "AT LAST! MY ARMY IS COMPLETE AGAIN!" She began to laugh manically.

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A/N: I'm aware that it is "my arm" but Serenity wouldn't just say that.


	5. A Little Link

Disclaimer: I own almost nothing.

A/N: So tired....

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Hytwilian sighed in the small cottage her and Serenity resided in Hyrule on vacations. The two friends had pulled the rupees together so they could open up a small buisness together and to say it wasn't going well was quite the understatement.

"Why did you have to go and fucking set the woman on fire? FIRE! REALLY, THOUGH, FIRE?!"

"I was bored." Serenity shrugged.

"SERE, FIREEEEEEE!"

"Hey, it's BBQ!"

The older girl's eyes widened in realization. "Seems a downright shame..."

Serenity glanced up from her laptop. "What the fuck are you going on abo-ohhhhhhh...Shame?"

"Seems an awful waste. Such a nice, plump frame Wot's 'er name has, had, has! Nor it can't be traced. Bus'ness needs a lift, debts to be erased. Think of it as thrift, as a gift! If you get my drift...Seems an awful waste. I mean, with the price of meat, what it is, when you get it, if you get it..."

"HYAH!"

"Good, you got it!"

Midna Hytwilian began to pace about and pulled out a picture of the girls all together. She pointed to one of the oldest. "Take, for instance, Miss Kaylee and her pie shop! Bus'ness never better using only Sweetie pups and toast! And a Sweetie's good for maybe six or seven at the most! And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!"

"Miss Hytwilian, what a charming notion!"

"Well, it does seem a waste..."

"Eminently practical and yet appropriate as always!"

"It's an idea..."

"Miss Hytwilian, how I've lived without you all these years, I'll never know! How delectable! Also undetectable!"

"Think about it! Lots of other characters'll soon be comin' for a pose, won't they? Think of, all them, pies!"

"How choice! How Rare! For what's the sound of the world out there?"

"What, Serenity? What, Serenity? What is that sound?"

"Those crunching noises pervading the air!"

"Yes, Serenity! Yes, Serenity! Yes, all around!"

"It's villain devouring hero, my dear!"

"And who are we to deny it in here?" They sang at the top of their lungs.

"These are anger management times, Miss Hytwilian, and desperate measures are called for!" Serenity gritted her teeth, throwing down a small empty package of Anger Management Control Pills.

Hytwilian ignored the small package and took out a pie. "Here we are. Hot! Out of the oven!"

Serenity made a face at the pie, knowing it was probably poisoned. "What is that?"

"It's Link. Have a little Link."

"Is it really good?"

"Miss, it's too good, at least! Then again, 'e don't commit sins of the flesh, so it's pretty fresh."

"Awful lot of fur."

"Sure, 'e was a wolf."

"Haven't you got Ganondorf, or something like that?"

"No, y'see, the trouble with Ganon is 'ow do you know it's not piggy? Try the Link! Ruto's rather nice."

"If she's got a knive."

"Order something else, though, to follow, since no one should swallow 'er twice!"

"Anything that's mean?"

"Well, then, if you're Minish and royal, you might enjoy Lord Vaati! Anyway, 'e's clean. Though of course, 'e tastes of wherever 'e's been!" She winked and Serenity made a face. The two perverts continued on.

"Is that Veran, on the fire?""

"Mercy no, ma'am, look closer, you'll notice it's fairy!"

"Looks slicker, more like Zelda!"

"No, it has to be Tingle--it's green!"

"The history of the world, my friend--"

"Save a lot of graves, do a lot of fangirls favors!"

"Is those below serving those up above!"

"Ev'rybody fanarts, so there should be plenty of flavors!"

"How gratifying for once to know-"

"That those above will serve those down below!" They shouted together.

"What is that?"

"It's Zant, insanest in the shop. And we have some shepherd's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top!" She dusted some flour on the pie, pretending it was Malon. "And I've just begun--'ere's the princess, so oily, it's served with a doily, have one!"

"Put her on a bun. Well, you never know if she's going to run!"

"Try the Ruto, fried, it's drier!"

"No, the Zora is really too coarse and too bitchy!"

"Then Skull Kid, that's compacter!"

"Yes, and always arrives overdone! I'll come again when you have Nabooru on the menu!"

The two began to Caramelldansen, acting as if this was completly normal. "Have charity towards the world, my pet!"

"Yes, yes, I know, my friend!" Hytwilian grinned.

"We'll take the customers that we can get!"

"High-born and low, my pimp!"

"We'll not discriminate great from small! No, we'll serve anyone, meaning anyone-"

"And to anyone at all!" They finished.

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A/N: Woot. Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm tired.


End file.
